Wow…. That is about all I can come up with because I am so floored by the effect this had on me when reading it! I am sitting here filled with such a range of emotions that I can not fully process. I was looking forward to seeing what you posted assuming that I was in for another arousing treat from lake, but this was so much more. The way that you set this up, expressed your own mental state, described what your Master had asked of you and how it was affecting you and then of course the thought of you sitting in that stall at work dutifully willing yourself to become the sexual person that you are for him and ultimately for yourself…powerful stuff.

I live a very busy, complicated, highly scheduled life. I am responsible for handling plenty of emergencies over which I have no control and which often consume and exhaust me to no end. For personal matters or with regard to preserving and protecting my family and loved ones, doing so is a necessary aspect of living a full and robust life, but I realized long ago that when it comes to work, there are almost no circumstances where we should allow our core wants and needs to be dismissed as readily as they often times are – the rewards are almost certainly never worth it. I am not saying anyone should be irresponsible for entitled or dismissive of the importance of their work, quite the opposite, but there should always be some check or balance on ones allowing themselves to give too much of themselves – some part of themselves “reserved” from the demands which can serve as their bedrock and place of trust and joy and happiness and fulfillment. I don’t want to speak to your Masters actions, requests or intentions, but speaking for myself, there is something very beautiful both about what he might have been trying to do AND how you ultimately handled it. I hope that you were able to make him proud despite whatever failures you might have had along the way, and I hope that you realized that there may have been some method to the madness and that you were able to reclaim and recenter yourself as a result.

Thank you for sharing this with us all…and here is to hoping we can all keep some part of ourselves reserved for ourselves and those we care about even when faced with unrelenting pressure that work sometimes imposes!

-James

Having worked through my today, being able to spend more time thinking about this, and reviewing it with Master, I am particularly grateful to now find these comments. Largely because of the opportunity it highlights; that I was able to share this at all, that you were able to relate and in turn ride along with me illuminating things for me, yourselves, and possibly others. Add to that, that now I can come back and continue this as a discussion. I have to just say, I think that is a wonderful thing and I in no way take it for granted.

So one of the things James wrote was, “there is something very beautiful both about what he might have been trying to do AND how you ultimately handled it.” In my mind there is no doubt there was something beautiful in what he set out to do, that he set out to do it, and what he was able to accomplish (even with the breakdown that occurred on my side). And to me this has everything to do with what our commitment to each other is.

Master is my proverbial, “mirror” he sees me as my most true most actualized self (note this is not the same as he wishes I was an ideal) and he reflects that view of myself back to me. This gives me the courage, the inspiration, and the power to be that self – who I am, without fear, without insecurity, apology or limits. This relates to a conversation Mallory invoked recently about whether a partner grooms you into an ideal or supports you in becoming something you want. And I think it is such an important and relevant question for any relationship romantic or otherwise, because I think they all to some degree affect your experience of yourself. And your experience of yourself affects your perception of yourself, and your perception of yourself affects who you are in the world. For example, I am confident because I perceive myself as valuable, I perceive myself as being valuable because I have the experience of being appreciated… and it feeds itself.

Relative to my experience, I would say it like this Master ‘blooms’ me (and I’m stealing that word from Deida) he doesn’t take me to a specific ‘some place’ or intend me to be a specific ‘way’. It’s more that we create space for each other and then see what is there, who we are in that space in that open realm of possibility. And that grows on its own and nobody knows where it is going or is deliberately steering it somewhere. It’s a space of safety and freedom and full acceptance, of total openness and vulnerability and it’s all built on top of trust. And it is in this space that you find yourself able to be your true self… fearless, open, feeling, present, and free. It is a gift that you give each other. And maybe it starts small and it’s there only when you are together and focused on each other. But it can grow and everyone has to find their balancing point… what parts and percent of your life do you want to spend in this space and which parts and what percent do you want to spend fitting in or settling? That he and I work to expand this part of our lives, that we support each other in that effort, that we are committed to the tenets that make that space possible, this is what our relating is built on.

And when I am stressed and anxious and fearful, I am not in that space, I am not my best self, I am shut down, and life drains me. And when Master reaches out to me not just to call me on it, but really with me a full partner working to bring me back, committed to opening me back up… There is no greater gift and I am constantly in awe of it and the mere fact that he is a man capable of giving it (with all that that requires; the depth of skill, perception, emotional maturity, awareness, intuition, wisdom, experience, thought, effort, sense and sensibility)… and that he is this for ME!! That I have this enlightening, gravitational pull in my life because of him absolutely floods me with such gratitude.
It makes him so precious to me, and this is why it hurts so much to disappoint him, and even more so to hurt him… nigh unbearable. Yet we all have break downs, and while I returned to my home in him by the end of the day, I did shut him out all during the day, and when I do that I brake the commitment I have to myself to live the life I choose and I hurt the person who stands with me in that commitment.
I know that D\s is in many ways a framework, a methodology for how partners will manage different things as a couple (how will you resolve conflicts, deal with hurt and disappointment, provide reassurance, pleasure each other or instigate something new, etc.) I think every pairing either deliberately or unconsciously establishes some ‘protocol’ of their own for how these things get managed. Obviously, there are many other frameworks that work for other people in similar or even superior ways (and if you’ve got one or are thinking about one we’d all love to hear about it!) for me this just happens to be the one that comes naturally, that works for me, and makes sense to me. I love that protocol is negotiated upfront, and that there are prescribed remedies to issues even emotional ones and ultimately I do get from it what I want, and what I need.

I honestly, don’t know how I could otherwise ever feel deeply enough that I have made amends or that I have given enough (and I’m not saying that from a place of not knowing my own value – trust me, I’m plenty full of myself), it’s just about my personal need to feel it in a certain way for it to feel real, to feel substantial, to be tangible, to be overwhelming, HARD and utterly consumable and appreciated by him… directly and overtly as just pure, raw fulfillment. To me I find it to be absolutely exquisite and necessary.

And again… thank you all for being in this discussion with me. I think it matters that these things are said out loud and made real and reacted to.

It takes a tremendous amount of self reflection to understand yourself in a relationship and how a relationship is to work for you and your partner(s). Most of us do not really think about it in any kind of framework. A lot of us fall into and live a conventional script embraced by the populace. I admire your analysis and I envy your joint freedom and joy.

I have a (hopefully not too stupid) question for the Masters out there and those who might be able to provide insight on their behalf. I imagine that many like James, lead lives that are hyper busy, ultra complicated, and requiring full command at work and at home. How do they balance the pressure of that kind of command?

So glad that is what you take from it.

And if you were outside the bar, I’d notice that spark in your eye, that connection to your body… we’d lock eyes and you’d see how much I know and appreciate about you as well… some things would be fueled alright!