It is much more difficult to assess “tending to,” which for me, is based on an underlying spirit of generosity. When I tend to my lover’s desire and pleasure, I feel like I would do anything to achieve them. Do anything, give anything, be anything. And I do so with my own hands, both of them, with self awareness of value, and anticipation of his joy, and thereby, mine.

I think that you understood my points (and Mallory’s) quite well, what I want to make sure that I followed up on was the notion that you do NOT have to be some cold heartless, relentlessly selfish bitch – some porn version of a dominatrix constantly belittling and humiliating her slave for seemingly pointless reasons. To me it always feels like much of what is portrayed is for the benefit of the submissive NOT the benefit of the dom (does the dom actually like seeing some of these things?).

When a person pays a professional dominatrix to “dominate” them, isn’t all of the incentive completely backwards – either she treats the client in a way that brings him some powerfully satisfying experience (even if not sexual or particularly pleasurable) or else why would he ever return – isn’t that in itself a topping-from-the-bottom dynamic (to say nothing about the financial power dynamic)?!?

The bottom line is this…everyones relationship dynamics are different…there are literally no limits to how complex or straightforward you make them. You can be as caring, thoughtful and giving a dom as you want…but where you need to be careful is in fine tuning your own ability to recognize how every act or action or request someone is benefitting more than the other. More importantly (or easy to identify) who is asking. Once you are able to answer these questions – in real time as it is happening – you simply need to make it clear that YOU are consciously deciding to either grant or allow or indulge it. Your desires and interests always come first. Even if his pleasure or sexual release IS of interest to you – something you want to see, experience, feel – ask yourself what is the most intense and rewarding way for you to experience that? I can’t imagine that having him stick his dick into you and cumming after 3 thrusts would ever be satisfying for you. Maybe you want to see him so worked up and ready to cum and so wild with the “need” to get his release… Make him hold back as long as you care to make him…and then sit yourself comfortably down in a chair with his cock at eye level and tell him to stand before you and make himself cum. Make him cum on the floor, make him cum on himself, allow him to cum on you or your body (although now you are into some real conflicted dynamics) then make him lick his cum up…off the floor, off his hands and stomach…off of your body (again he might really like this – which as long as you are liking it more then go for it!). Think of it this way…you should be left absolutely sore and wanting for nothing and he should be trained to give himself to you without interruption or failure until you are satiated…and then you may let him have his release.

Another examples include how he looks at you or is allowed to initiate contact with you…if he looks you in the eyes when you first meet, you may want to ask him – “Did I give you permission to look me in the eyes?” Depending on his deference and contrition, you could tell him that it is OK for him to look at you but only because you like feeling his gaze on you” or you could tell him to “only look when you are speaking to him” or “Never without permission”. When he is holding or touching or kissing you, tell him what you like about the way he hold, touches, kisses you and make it clear that you expect him to hold, touch, kiss you in those certain ways whenever you are together and a failure for him to do so will have consequences. That says several things – one this defines your expectation on what it is that you need in order for him to serve you, two this reminds him that everything that he is allowed to do is related to serving and pleasing YOU, three there absolutely is a warning built in there to how his going to far or taking advantage for his own pleasure will not be tolerated and dealt with accordingly.

The key is that this is always and forever about what pleases YOU. I admit that I myself enjoy giving and witnessing and bringing about pleasure in others, so if that brings pleasure to you then you are perfectly within your rights to allow it, but this always has to be on your terms…and you would be surprised just how devious and sneaky people (even supremely submissive ones) become in trying to direct events in the direction or in ways that are actually intended to serve their interests above their masters – you simply need to tune into that reality and never let down your guard! Otherwise, when you do focus in and realize that you actually can think of what you want much more clearly and specifically in real time with a guy, and allow yourself to indulge in your more selfish desires, I can imagine that a whole new world will open up to miss lake – or is it Mistress Lake?!?

Good luck!!!