Prior to the meeting I had been on a conference call with him. It was clear, the man did not suffer fools. His reputation proceeded him and there were things I knew. He was the youngest ever to hold his current title in the company. Even his detractors conceded he was punishingly intelligent. Now he sat across the table from me looking very ’50 shades of grey’ confident, mysterious, unnaturally relaxed, and yet obviously in control of everyone there. Short, fit, and by far the most handsome man in the room.

It was a large meeting, we are going through a merger and most of the department heads from both sides were there. We all know by the end of the year some of us will canabalize the others. I was very still on the outside, but my stomach was doing flip flops on the inside. I didn’t want to be there, none of this was fair, much of it didn’t make sense on many levels, but the game was upon us regardless, and much depend on the outcome, it was no time to indulge weak thoughts. I couldn’t think about being the only female there. I couldn’t think about what it would mean to lose control of, or walk away from everything I’ve built. I couldn’t think about how intimidated I was every time he looked at me, much less spoke, and yes, he looked. Particularly, when he knew he had just said something particularly brilliant and subtle, and at a level of detail he knew none of us expect him to be fluent. I swear there was a glint there right at the edges. The bastard.

I was wound up the rest of the day. Hell, we are all wound up these days. How can we not be when the politics are this prevalent. I slept with my jaw clinched. I woke up with a headache. On the train in, I closed my eyes, and just worked to quiet my mind, my intent was to step closer to accepting where things were, focus on maximize our distinctions, create in my mind the outcomes I wanted. But that wasn’t what happened. Instead he was there, and the reel began to play, and things lower down began to tighten. I didn’t want to think it, but I couldn’t stop it from happening, and it was good… better than any simple crush fantasy I have had in a while. Seems a separate game has also begun.