Trust and communication.

Ditto

Well, I have to agree but disagree…

I agree with the importance of Trust and Communication above the others from your list.

But I think your list is lacking what I believe is THE most important part which allows people to not only have great communication but also to build trust….ACCEPTANCE!

If you can not accept yourself for who you are at that moment in time (whatever stage of your own self discovery or realization that you may be) then how could you possibly be communicating clearly with yourself or others?

And if you can’t communicate clearly then on what basis should one reasonably be expected to place their trust in you?

On the other hand, even if one can communicate clearly, if your partner doesn’t accept you for every part of who you are (all your wants and needs) and/or vice versa (you don’t accept theirs), then how can one ever place the ultimate level of trust that we often expect in a life partner?

Until we learn to accept ourselves and accept others, I don’t believe that we can communicate or trust one another anywhere near to the degree necessary to enter into a lifelong commitment to another.

I will let the two of you decide where acceptance fits on your list of relationship priorities…but for me…I value the possibility of achieving that as more important even in the less meaningful relationships with substantially lower commitments that I can form.

My intent with the list was more about weighing the five in that list against each other than listing the top five ( and James you never actually answered that question!). But I do love where this has gone, however now it’s gotten me philosophical which
I really try not to do to overdue here, but I can’t resist on this one now. Hey, good writing relies on insights into the human condition – so I argue its relevant!

Now I realize you could probably apply this to almost everything, but I think acceptance in particular can be far trickier than it looks on the surface. At one level it’s being non-judgemental, I accept this about you, I don’t try to change you, I don’t make you wrong, I don’t start fights about it… But here maybe still you avoid, misinterpret, or withhold. For example, here is a simple one, you don’t tell your partner something you know you should, because you are unsure of their reaction (women) or sure of it (men) and you don’t want to deal with it. In that case have you really accepted the related aspect of them? Wouldn’t acceptance involve more? Like developing your understanding around this, and being willing to if not embrace it, stand and face it? Work straight thru it? Get to your next plain instead of drawing a boundary? Another example, your partner has a habit that annoys you, you ‘ignore’ it, but at the same time tally your munificence. I argue that is not true acceptance.

And I think each course yields a very different result. One creates space between you and limits the relationship… the other connection. I think a lot of times it is little distinctions like this, seemingly harmless compromises, that are actually why relationships (while they continue to function) cease to really thrive and enthrall. The whole thing becomes something you are ‘managing’ and that ends up being less an inspiring adventure of growth and more a tiresome trek of fulfilling obligations.

I think with real acceptance there can be no score keeping, no withholding of affection, no minimizing of aspirations, and no avoidance. This is not a trivial pursuit.