Alright, sexys. This is a new, occasional column up on the blog. Please do click over there to chime in with your own advice.

Also, can’t recommend enough the very hot ongoing story being written by @mal8899 in the Erotic Collaborations section (and I’m sure she’s looking for smart, willing collaborators, which is sort of the point): http://www.thesexexperiment.com/groups/erotic-collaborations/

And, finally, quite a few people getting naked in the Photo Orgy these days. Call that a subtle hint.

Stay sexy.

I can not comment on the main page, it is probably my privacy settings, but maybe you can re-post this for Michael from me.

I have no qualifications for advising anyone about anything. But I love sex and possibilities and articulate strangers TOO, so I am jumping in. I think Mr. X nailed it, so I’m just going to try and build on what he laid out with more examples.

Plan, imagine, dream, but I couldn’t agree more, that you also have to just start… act… and it begins with you. Most things will work themselves out as you go.

Approach it on two fronts. One is in conversation. First establish a context… what do you want to accomplish from a relationship perspective? What is the point? What will success look like for you? What will it mean to you? Talk in terms of intimacy, connection, fulfillment, expression, trust, growth, etc. whatever it is for you… not specific acts (yet). Things in context are heard very differently than things out of context. For example, if you say, “I’d really love it if I could start fucking your ass sometimes.” and she has no context, what’s to keep her from thinking, ‘Has my pussy gotten looser?’, ‘Is he watching too much porn?’, ‘Is he bored with our sex life?’, ‘How we will deal with it if something goes wrong!”. If some hot guy that I have no context in which to hear his requests says to me, ‘take off your clothes and get on your knees’, I’m going to tell him what he can do with himself, and depending on the day maybe not in the nicest of ways. If my lover who adores me, and whom I have a long history of being rewarded beyond my wildest dreams when I trust him, says it, well, not only will i do it, but I’ll start shaking with anticipation as I do. Talk with her about a long-term vision of how the two of you could be together that will be inspiring to both of you.

The second front to approach it on is in action. Do something different, anything different. It can be a grand gesture or dare, a new implement, a new place, a new attitude, new wardrobe, it can be something simple. If you normally initiate by kissing her and fondling her. Start fondling her without kissing her. Just look into her eyes. If she stretches for the kiss, smile, but withold the kiss, instead touch her lips, her face, her throat with your fingers. Maybe slide your finger into her mouth. If your normally on the bed in front of her when you finger her, instead do it standing from behind her. If you normally give her what she asks for, the first time she asks, next time tease her instead. If she’s says faster, harder… go slower or pull all the way out instead. Different alone, means she has to start re-inventing what she will do. She has to process different, surprise makes people more present. I have no idea what you normally do, but figure out something that will surprise her.

Relative to sounds, trial and error. Play with what your doing. If you talk the whole time… talk less. If you don’t talk… talk more. Change the volume, tone, your position (behind her, close to her ear, against her lips) of your own sounds and talk… and as you make changes, watch her responses. If its working do it more, if it reverses do it less, if its unclear continue to experiment. If she does make any sound show clear appreciation (but subtly don’t make to big a deal of it). If she is making none, then try on occasion asking a question to get a vocalization, ‘How does that feel?’ if she doesn’t answer, roll right with it. Next time try a simpler question and give her more of a set up, say, ‘Oh my God that feels so good, doesn’t that feel good?’ If she so much as says, ‘mmmm’ let her see how much you love it, give her immediately more of what she loves. Part of why you are changing your own sounds, is to give yourself an appreciation for how hard it is to do what your asking. Don’t expect someone to be what they are not, appreciate small shifts, and figure out how to make things comfortable. There is a lot more here to explore, but this is a possible place to start.

Obviously, there is lots more to do and lots that you have to talk about directly, but I’d start here, get a couple of good experiences on both fronts under your belt to up the interest and create some level of shared understanding around what your up to before I started to do the things that are going to be a little tougher or more awkward at first for either or both of you.

p.s. I LOVE this idea!

I really like this Mr. X and I’m going to do it. I’ll leave my ‘breadcrumbs’ from wed here. Monday, I’ll write them on a pad as you’ve described and hope to be brave enough to deliver them directly (at a minimum leave them randomly behind). I think about how I would feel if one were delivered to me, how I would look at the person handing it over, how my face would split with glee as I did, and what that might create between us… A good chuckle at the least, with a little extra perk in my step. I wonder how many of those moments I can create for myself and others. I know they are out there, I know who and what I believe people to be. The challenge is finding how to access it, how to set it free, can be so variant, but I’m not exactly one to back down from a challenge, especially when good, human, gleeful, and surprising interactions are the possible outcome 🙂

7AM [lingering in bed, first day after a wax… I can’t believe how incredibly soft and velvety my lips are, it is heaven to pet them.] I don’t want to move. I think about what to wear, I want access to this tranquility all day… That makes me think immediately of his hand replacing mine. I feel longing, and with it recounting… I become wet, now I must force myself out of bed or I know I will get lost in this.

8:30AM [Long eye contact with a stranger, who has just walked past me with a twinkle in his eye] I think, ‘he has eyes like V’, V with his ripped body, who wants to rig me naked and suspended me from the ceiling… Has me thinking of the feel of rope against my skin. One of these days, my answer to him will be yes. Makes me feel sly, playful. I turn my headphones up and sway more loosely as I continue walking.

9:10AM [Woman in front of me with long, dreamy hair down to her waist. I walk too close too her, right up next to her, I have to touch it. I think ‘this is one of the reasons it is good to be a woman, I’d never get away with this stuff as a man. She is walking fast doesn’t even notice what I’ve done.]. I flash on the last time I was at a strip club, and the writhing luscious stripper in my lap, with her eyes locked on mine, her long hair draped down around us, inspiring me to break the rules. Makes me feel lecherous.

3:30PM [Talking with my office crush. He is young, very buttoned up, all Harvard alpha male. Not the type I usually go for, but we work together very well, have been through a lot together, and I’ve brushed up against his softer underbelly.] He gets very still, I see his jaw clinch. I am immediately excited… Fuck yes, He’s there! I keep talking, calm, monotone no pauses, no questions… Just let him drift for a moment in whatever sexual thing I know he is imagining doing to me. Makes me feel focused, and happy.

6:30PM [On the train, young woman Brazilian maybe, close to my height, but more petite, tousled thick jet black hair with a lace baby doll ribbon tied around the base of the pony tail on top of her head. Doc martins, black leggings, tight stripped cotton shirt, tailored waist cut leather bomber jacket, makeup heavy and flawless face like a model except her lips are too square with an extravagant pout… I love these lips. People have shifted, she has stepped into me, we are literally inches apart and I lean in. The predator inside of me wakes with a start, I want to open my hand wide and clinch her whole face, squeeze in at the jawline with my palm over her mouth, and fingers spread out and up across her eyes, feel the muscles in my arm flex, see her stare back at me wide eyed, open my mouth move to slowly lick suck and bite her whole face, smear her makeup… press her head back into a wall hold her like that while my other hand roughly rips her clothes off… Damn I am in a mood now.

7:15PM [At dinner with a group of four male friends. I’ve slept with one of them, S. We’ve known each other for ten years, slept together four times, most of these with many years in between. He is one of the most emotionally reserved people I know, this of course frustrates me to no end. He’s also incredibly gorgeous which makes me more tolerant of the aggravation than I should be.] I notice that S has gotten his first grays in his hair. This makes me start to really look at him. His face has matured, I start to obsess over his lips, he has the most charming little pucker. I have the most incredible urge to slide my fingers into his mouth, I can feel my fingers wet now and sliding over his lips. That makes me want to slide my tongue into his mouth. I notice he is staring at me. I stare directly back. He gets a sly grin. I feel damn horny! Realize it’s going to be a late night.

I left a small trail of these breadcrumbs last year around this time, in San Diego, including at the Miramar air force base. It was all very exciting, very hot.