I have. Adding Lexi was based on that conversation, what we want and how we see it happening.

This is perfect. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Again, the “conversation” isn’t necessarily about including others, it is every bit as much about learning about and understanding your partners attractions and arousals (or their past!). It is also about finding a way to share more of yourself…more of what makes you tick…what turns you on…opening up and possibly revealing more of yourself in a way that is intended to INCREASE the intimacy and connection and most of all trust that you share. The idea is really that some things – especially threatening ones of a sexual nature – are sometimes much better being expressed if there is an avenue to do so as opposed to the old “don’t ask don’t tell” model.

The bottom line is that anything that can enhance intimacy is generally a really good thing if being sexual with your partner and creating an environment where it can evolve and be sustained over time is An important part of who you both are.

Thanks for sharing and hopefully we will hear about your amorous displays at some point in the future!

Over the course of decades, I’ve had this discussion with different people and with variant outcomes; successfully, unsuccessfully, and with mutually accepted compromises… and a total of five threesomes. I’ve also been on both sides of it (the one who was resistant and the one who was advocating for it). I think whether you are negotiating for a single encounter or limited engagement, an on-going compartmentalized engagement (think friends with benefits), or something open ended based on whatever is possible with the people involved also changes this conversation and what is required.

In my opinion, A lot of what determines the outcome of the conversation and the experience is tied up in the following: 1. What is the nature of your relationship and what are your expectations relative to that (i.e. Is fidelity a defining characteristic of your dynamic for both or either of you )? 2. Where do each of you draw your sense of security in the relationship from and will it be at risk (i.e. To what degree does the experience of not being the ‘only’ or ‘best or ‘most’ at something generate insecurity or discomfort?) 3. How good are each of you at managing ‘wayward’ thoughts? Will something that on the surface feels uncomfortable or threatening or looks contradictory or inconsistent unravel you or can you identify it, talk openly about it, and put it in context relative to the overall level of trust and foundation you have and let yourself work through to the other side of your gut reaction or even panic if it happens? Can you separate what you are ‘worried’ something might mean, from it actually meaning that? 4.How well do you understand what you are looking to gain and what they are looking to gain? This is critical, and there MUST be something in it for BOTH of you, and you should both understand how important this thing or things is/are for the other. 5. The obvious one, how well do you understand your own jealousy? We all covet the attention, affection, appreciation of our partners. If you see these things going to something else, work, hobby, friends, kids… how do you process that? another lover? What if it’s not a trickle, what if it’s a giant surge in a new direction? Do you experience it as being gone forever? being taken from you… something that is yours going to another or worse another who hasn’t done as much for it? This one loops back to number 3.

This conversation with my husband was not a total success, in terms of I didn’t get what I originally intended, but all things considered I think we did pretty damn good. Fidelity was never a cornerstone of our commitment, entering our marriage, we had not discussed it being open, but he knew me and my interests going in and never assumed it would be closed (forsaking all others was not a part of our vows). Relative to all that I want to do sexually, and through sex, his interests have never been as strong or gone as far as mine (and yes we have tested this), however it still works, because at the same time, he accepts this about me and is not threatened by it, it does not cause him to question my commitment or love. About three years into our marriage, I started ‘instigating’ us picking up a third. I was not calculated, just went the opportunistic route. We’d be at a party for example, he is drinking having a good time, I see a woman I know is his type or that we’ve talked about how attractive or charming she is before and I just ratchet things up, make it all very flirty and touchy. I intended to just let ‘nature’ do the work for me, figured we could just fall into it… And while he always thought this was good fun, in the end he never agreed to actually bringing anyone home with us, so it always ended rather innocently (for her anyway).

I don’t think he was against the idea, it entertained him, but he just wasn’t motivated enough to act and close the deal either. So I started trying to move him on this. But the problem was finding what would be motivating for him to do it, he just doesn’t think the way I do about these things. This never really worked, I’d find movies or articles or anything I could queue off to start talking about it. Bring over girlfriends… Talk about how it might make him feel or what he might experience, why it would be good for us, but he bought none of it and in the end the conversation always devolved into him calling me out for pushing it only because I wanted it, and then we just both ended up feeling bad, and I would drop it for a long time. Eventually, I decided I didn’t just want it, I had to have it. So I brought the conversation back into our ongoing dialogue again. Only this time, I was much more straightforward. Admitted that I wanted it, told him what I wanted and why, and did everything I could to help him understand it. He didn’t agree to adding others, but he did agree to be more engaged on the topic and open to exploring more avenues with me. This worked for another year and a half, but all of my interests were just not his interests and while it was all well and good, and we had some great experiences well outside of anything we had done together before… doing something for someone else, is just not the same as doing it cause it fucking turns you on or feels elemental to who you are, and there was an effortfulness to it, that slowly began to wear on us both.

I think this time was really important for us. It gave us insight into the other’s perspective, time to learn how to talk about this and get comfortable with the idea that some ‘alternate’ arrangement might be what was going to end up working best for us. I think we also learned, and not just conceptually, but really got it that, it doesn’t take anything away from who we are and what we are together if we are not each other’s everything. That we didn’t have to be afraid that it meant something was wrong with either of us or that we couldn’t work together. We both have certain things we need that we get from other people or activities. We both have our own interest that are important to us, but not shared by the other. We both love in myriad ways a variety of things. This was just another of those things, and we became more relaxed around it.

So the next time when the conversation came back around we were able to get to the breakthrough that ended up working for us. We looked at ourselves and where we were and just got completely honest. Bottom line, he was happy and content, and wasn’t looking for anything else. I was happy and content too, but did need opportunities to keep expanding and testing and exploring. We looked at that, and the answer was starkly obvious. I’d accept him as he is and stop pushing. He’d accept me as I am and allow me to explore what I needed to safely and separately. We are now nine years and counting.

“The chain of marriage is so heavy that it takes two to bear it; sometimes three.” ― Alexandre Dumas