Dear Fearless Flirter,

I am attaching my résumé, since after your office fantasy I don’t think there’s anyplace I’d rather work. You will notice that I have no previous experience at “Ravaging the boss on her desk alongside a co-worker”, but I assure you that I am a fast learner. I’m willing to work long hours, stay late. Weekends. Company picnics. Hell, I’ll even pick up your dry cleaning. Just get me on staff, you sexy beast (a term I don’t know that I’ve ever applied to a woman, but in your case it’s deserved), and we’ll take it from there. I look forward to my first performance review.

In the meantime I want you to do some recruiting. No, I’m not afraid of competing candidates. I want you out in the world interviewing, shaking hands, undoing another button, etc. I want it to be at night, I want drinks to be involved, I want you to be dressed even sexier than usual, and I want your job interview to consist of just three words: “I want you.”

Like any good networker, the size of your contact list is the most important thing. Put another way, install a hundred monkeys in front of typewriters, and they will eventually tap out the complete works of Shakespeare. Confused? Let me put it another way: come onto five men, and you’ll be lucky to find one worth stripping with; come onto a hundred, and you’ll find yourself well-accompanied for many nights. This is a law-of-numbers dare, my beauty, and only one as confident as you could attempt it.

Let me be more precise: I know you like a party, a wild bar, a flashing club, and so one night when you find yourself in one of these places, I want you to test yourself by saying “I want you” to as many men (or women) as possible. The circumstances of the statement are entirely up to you – you can mutter it to an unsuspecting stranger or scream it as you rip off your clothes. The quality of the contact is not important for this experiment; instead you will be judged on quantity.

I want to know how many people you can say it to in a night. Make it into a joke, work it into an unrelated conversation, I don’t care. It’s possible that even you may be intimidated by this at first, but I also imagine that it will become easier as the night goes on, particularly as you come to understand that the reaction of these men to you does not matter in the slightest.

Then, of course, I want a full report. I want a number, yes, a count of “I want you’s”, but I also want to know how the talking felt, and about some of the reactions you got. Knowing you, you’ll get to 2 and find yourself happily naked on a desk between two men, but if that’s the case, of course I’ll be no less eager to hear the whole story.

I want you,

X

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