Thank You MrT, I really do appreciate it. I was nervous about trying to pen this at all, so the feedback feels good… and I would say; he is a very inspired and inspiring man 🙂

This is an excellent example of what I meant by “tending to,” a remarkable demonstration of generosity, in addition to affection and desire.

Tantra is always on my list of things to learn more ‘officially’ about. I have organically picked up a few techniques over time, and I very much buy-in to the underlying premises. I believe elements of tantra (or at least something similar) are to some degree already parts of some of my experiences, but at the same time know that there is always further to go… and aren’t we all thankful for that. One of these days it will be something I focus on directly… I mean really, who is not interested in enlightenment realized through sexual ecstasy 

And as usual, you are on target with your challenging and provocative questions. So I shall endeavor to give you more relative to this experience, and hopefully I’ll hit some of the chords that you are interested in.

[warning the non-romantics and folks that think tantra is a bunch hokum… probably will want to skip the rest of this post (I can already feel the eye rolls)… but I know that is not everyone, so for the others here goes nothing.]

‘My perspective’, and ‘what I was thinking’, and ‘how I take care of him’, are all closely related. So I’ll speak to those together. The bottom line is; I’m just gone. My experience is of being increasingly hyper focused. I tune into him and everything about his body and reactions and what they can tell me at almost a cellular level (not really cellular, but I couldn’t think of what the next level above that would be called). The more I do this, the more everything else inside and outside disappears and my actions become completely instinctual or involuntary or effortless (I’m not sure about exactly what the right word is there, but those are close). I don’t think, I don’t decide what to do I’m just doing it, with complete comfort and assurance and precision. Everything is quiet, I’m fully committed to go anywhere it goes, and I’m listening intently to the cues which at that point are constant and pervasive. It’s as if they are wired directly to my control center and I’m just along for the ride almost as an observer. Though I hesitate to use that example, because it implies I am unaffected, which is not at all true (more on that later) .

The context around it is that, part of my process is using every exchange I have with him to ‘learn him’ and to apply that learning to enhance anything about his existence that I can with it. This may sound a bit selfless, but it is just a piece of the whole and in the end it actually ends up being more self-indulgent than anything else (even in this exchange, I think you will see how it starts out with me looking selfless, but ends up with me being excessively indulged – and don’t ask me which I like better, I really don’t have an answer for that. One alone is absolute heaven, but each gives me something completely different – actually I’d like to hear other people answer that one). besides its almost unconscious for me to do it and when I am doing it, it feels more blissful than anything else. There are many reasons for that… because I love knowing more about him, I love the act of doing it, I love being the one that can give him this, I love evolving this ability in myself, and I love the part it plays in everything else.

It can feel like a spell has been cast over me or I’ve taken a drug or gained superhuman powers. My brain checks out and my physiology takes over. Everything slows down and is easier than normal. I call it a focus trance, but expect there is an actual name for it because you see it all over the place. Guys like Koufax, Coltrane, Messi can do it with incredible consistency. I’m sure y’all have your own heroes and personal examples. I can get there with certain sports and certain kinds of sex. I can’t control when it will happen or re-create exactly how to make it happen, it just sometimes does… particularly in repetitive sports or certain situations. It’s that ‘be the ball’ moment. It’s the time you scored in the 50’s playing pop a shot because you just couldn’t miss. It’s that point in the race when the crowd, your goals, your breathing rhythm, your count to the wall, the stress, your desire, your coach’s mantra, and all thought and effort disappear… and all that is left is feel… you feel what is happening, but you’re not controlling it anymore. There is just the cut of your hand through the water, the extension of your body, the heat in your muscles, the pull of the water against your skin, the forward movement and all the sensations are disorienting-ly strong or exaggerated. It’s the step class when the wheels come of and I’m leaping as high as I can over the step with every beat, yet I remain indefatigable, so I bound harder and higher, but only get stronger and push further… or wait maybe that last one is just pure adrenaline\ runner’s high… hmmm. I’d have to think about it more, I might be starting to mix concepts here, but I think you get it, it’s a kind of natural high that is all about precision and instinct and when you look back afterward you realize you’ve set a personal best or done something you had no idea you could do.

So got side tracked there, but now I’ll get back to your questions and this particular encounter. I was processing to some degree while it was happening, but at a different level a more minute level than is normal, as I mentioned above. For example, I might actually tune out something much more obvious because I’ve become obsessed with exploring the exact rise and spring of a particular vein or because I’m concentrating on making the right interpretation of an unusual reaction and am trying to chase it to see where I can take it. No part of him or how his body works is trivial to me. I want to know every possible way and place I can touch him, so I want to notice the subtle signs as well as the obvious ones, and am really thrilled if I can intuitively find something, he wasn’t aware that he wanted or would be pleased by.

This part is actually really important to me. I think everyone likes the idea of being able to give your partner something unlike what anyone else can (personal side note: while this desire is incredibly strong for me and does give me a tremendous amount of drive (which Master appreciates), it also means at times I walk a dangerous line since I am by nature extremely competitive and we are not monogamous. Now I know every ‘intimate\partner’ offers something unique not better or worse, but not thinking of things in terms of being the ‘best’ is something I still have to work at in certain regards.) I really want to be able to ‘divine’ exactly what it is he needs at any given moment and be able to precisely, artfully, flawlessly deliver it with the absolute least amount of instruction or effort from him. Ideally, I am giving him just what he needs before he even realizes he needs it. This is a level of distinction that has a great deal of significance to me, because I want my service to the highest quality service possible. This is not about me being competitive. This is about my desire to give Master my personal and absolute best.

‘How I feel’ is a range of things that includes; peaceful, luminous, full, overwhelmed, grateful, masterful, peaceful, transcendent, thrilled, home, release, free, valued, liberated, fulfilled. It is being in harmony with your ultimate purpose, not just knowing it, but being it; being exactly what you were made for. In that time and place, you are you, exactly as you want to be, and he witnesses you, accepts you, understands you and even reveres you to the fullest degree you could ever hope for. This happens and you think, ‘this is it, this is all I could ever want, this is all I have ever wanted’… then Master flips you over and you realize it’s all just been an appetizer. Part of you is terrified; you really don’t know how you can hold any more emotion. But he has taken everything you’ve given, multiplied it and is about to pour it all back into you.

It feels like your heart will literally explode, but you can’t cover it. You go deaf, but you can’t fear it. The beauty of everything you see is so bright it burns, but you can’t shut your eyes… or that changes it, you have to stay completely open to anything that happens. Your emotions and thoughts filter down to one singular theme that bubbles up from your core and it grows and swells and washes everything else away until its so powerful that you feel raw and helpless, splayed open and so far outside anything you know what to do with that you almost can’t function.

If you haven’t pulled back yet, maybe you do now cause this is completely out of your control and that is not an easy place to be (I think when you hit this point, not to pull back, not to hold back or protect anything, that’s when all the foundational work you’ve done pays off. Because it’s the shared trust and acceptance and love between you that makes it possible to really let it all go… just let yourself be blown wide open) but maybe you don’t. If you don’t, then eventually that spark that theme becomes more than a feeling, it becomes a knowing. Not a quiet knowing, a massive, humbling, shakes you all over and shows you your core clear as if you were reading from a page knowing and maybe you try not to read it, but it keeps repeating itself now, no longer satisfied with letting you not know now that you’ve let it out and then maybe you tremble, maybe you weep, maybe you growl, maybe claw or punch, maybe you erupt in orgasmic ecstasy… or burst into light 😉
You know as I get to this point in what I’m writing, I feel myself wanting to pull back some of this. I start wondering how parts of it will be received and part of me remembers all the times in my life when someone’s reaction has hurt me or sullied something important to me. That part says, spare yourself, dampen it, and filter more of the stuff that is most important to you out. Then I realize this actually is perfect example of what I’m talking about and something everyone can relate to. We’ve all been disappointed by someone and held parts of our selves back or muted them or disassociated from them because of it. And we’ve all felt the joy and relief that comes when you find those ‘safe places’ or moments when you are just exactly who you are and you get just exactly the reaction that you want. In many ways that’s what this is for me. Sometimes it’s the reaction you’ve been waiting to get since you were 16 or 9 or even 4 because that’s when someone laughed at you, or didn’t have an interest in you, or didn’t love you, or understand you… and you started learning to be somebody else, you started learning to be what’s expected. I think this is probably why these very connected and open-hearted experiences are so powerful, because they are so damn hard to come by.

And that makes me think, how much being human, is about courage. I like to think I am my own person. That I’ve proven what I have to prove in this world and I don’t have anything left to prove. That now its my turn to choose how I’m going to live my life. Yet, there is still uncertainty. I think my inner balance is very good, but its far from unshakable. I want my center of emotional gravity to be rooted in myself, and for that to dictate who I am, what I stand for, how I behave. But, I am not immune to the social climate around me and sometimes I find myself at the mercy of it, despite all my efforts not to be. So while I think I am the master of my own actions and attitudes, the truth is I have not held something this close to my heart up for scrutiny beyond my very innermost circle in a long time. To quote Mayor Fawkes directly, “the only true possession is self-possession”, and right now I’m going to have to trust mine, because I’ve spent too much damn time writing this now, not to post it!
So now that I have really, really gotten side tracked, I will finally get back to your last question.
I guess what I said above does sort of already answer the ‘where does it take you’ part of your question. The only thing I might add is this; no where do I feel more feminine, more sexual, more delectable, more powerful, more important, more loved than when I feel most his slave… so I’m going to focus my answer on that one, because that answers the others. Every relationship is in many ways the sum of everything that has come before and what each person has taken from that (Good God, am I really going to go on another philosophical rampage here… what the hell kind of mood am I in, maybe I need to up my mileage or I’m going to have to post my friggin comment in chapters, Okay, I’m clipping this one and just jumping to the point) So what the word ‘slave’ and what the word ‘Master’ means to him and I is incredibly personal, it encapsulates every discussion, epiphany, experience, reassurance, emotion, achievement, agreement, aspiration, desire, etc. we’ve shared, as well as every challenge we’ve overcome and all the joy and inspiration and gratitude that comes with that. So to me it is a word that makes me feel bathed in beauty, inspiration, connection, and power. In it I find freedom; freedom from my own mind and my own limits, as well as the judgments, inauthenticity, ambiguity, lack of generosity, and mediocrity in the world around me. That’s where it takes me.